Dancin' with Cange

When Covid19 started I had a few mixed emotions. There was fear, sadness and confusion. My fear came from the unknown, my first fears came from what I had seen and heard growing up. If you’re in my age group you might have grown up with King Kong, Godzilla, vampires or zombie movies.

My immediate fear was because of the series “Resident Evil”. The people were turned into zombies by a virus called the “Corona virus”.

So what were my thoughts you ask….be prepared

1. How much wood are we going to need to board up the windows in the house and what kind?
2. Can they penetrate the garage door?
3. The couch can be put on the stairs that way no one can get up.
4. Should we outfit the truck properly with new tires and wires or gate material over the windows?
5. We need to buy a gun (or several).
6. We should have enough wood in case the electricity/gas goes out and it gets cold or we have to boil water. We actually did this one and Lowes probably thought we were nutty for buying so much wood. But truth be told I am addicted to fire.
7. We should buy a generator
8. We should buy more propane
9. Buy batteries. Lots of batteries.
10. Buy more flashlights.
11. Do we have enough candles?
12. I would have to go pick up my mom and Brenden. They can’t bring a lot of stuff and Uma needs to have her collar, leash and dog food.
13. How do we separate the 3 dogs in the truck?
    1. We don’t want them to fight and we don’t want them in the back of the truck just in case some hits our car.
14. What is the quickest route to leave and where is the safest place?
15. We need to buy food that will last.
16. Will we ever see Mariah and family again?

I honestly never thought about toilet paper and paper towel once; as my uncle said there are leaves all over the place.

The definition of fear is: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

The definition of irrational fear is: lacking usual or normal mental clarity or coherence not endowed with reason or understanding

Fear is mentioned in the King James Version of the bible over 500 times

Afraid is mentioned 365 times in the bible (http://accordancebible.com)

I think we both know which definition applies to my thought process.

This went on for at least a week maybe 2, I can’t remember now. I lost sleep, I was eating constantly and unhealthy, I gained weight, I was sitting on the couch all the time, and I didn’t like talking to people and avoided having to talk to people. I would stay up late and wake up late. I was constantly washing my hands, even if I didn’t touch anything. I did it because of the fear of what I “might” have touched. I didn’t leave the house for weeks for anything. I went two weeks without washing my hair. I let the house get dirty, the dishes pile up, and the clothes pile up all while I just sat on the couch. I had no drive, motivation, energy, joy, hope or answers to my questions. I was constantly getting deliveries because I was “bored” and just shopped online.

At times I wasn’t very nice to Pat and even asked him to go to the office so we could have a break from each other. We were butting heads. We both needed each other but our feelings were so off there were days it was just better we didn’t talk much. I am not a morning person and everyone knows that. I would wake up, go into the office (the home office) and say good morning. Like clockwork Pat would always follow me and say “I need to get more coffee”. I would take this deep breath, out loud in frustration. Just months before I was telling him I was lonely and wanted him home more. Yup that changed.

I wanted to make masks and give them away, care cards that our church was doing, give to the community, make posters saying thank you and sitting at a corner with the sign so people knew they were loved. I wanted to finally finish my Rosetta Stone, read books, do my e’courses, do my singing lessons, paint (acrylic canvas not house), do a puzzle, garden and plant stuff, clean out drawers and get rid of things we weren’t using. But for weeks all I did was sit and stare out the window and watch movies.

I wasn’t sure what to do. I had an overwhelming feeling but I couldn’t describe what it was. I had way too much time to think about what I’ve been doing for the past 35 years. I felt like a failure.